Another girl I have never met. Another girl who needs saving. A girl I have no connections to.
Another girl I want to help.
Because this is personal for me now. More personal than it's ever been. I can't believe I'm just now starting to get this. When Bree told me about what happened with Ananda, about what her supposed father
did to her... seeing Ananda pulled back and forth, being used by people she trusts... I see me
I'm not Trait Positive. The Order doesn't want me. If they're looking for me, it's only because I know more than they want me to know. Again, I'm getting myself further involved in something I could easily walk away from. I can easily drop this and just go back. A part of me is still begging to. The part of me that wants my mom and my sister, my future, my life.
But I get it now. That's not happening. As soon as I turned on my camera for the first time two summers ago, I forfeited any chance of that life being mine.
That's okay. Because in the months where I was living under a fake name and a fake persona, I didn't feel happy. It's because I was pretending. It was normal, but it wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was unattainable. What I need? I need to be needed. I need to be able to help people for once. It feels so much better to be right here, helping where I couldn't help before.
Remember when I said that I always knew we couldn't save Bree? After we thought she died. I know that was horrible for me to say, but it was the truth. Then, I didn't feel like anything I did was really helping anyone.
But since then, I have helped. I really feel like I have. And now, Ananda needs help. And Bree and I need help to get her.
I'm so dead if I ever go back to Oregon. I don't know how I'll explain it. I don't know if, at this point, I even can go back.
I swear if that guy wasn't an Order agent I will... I don't know. Do something very vicious to myself.
Still with Gina. Still don't know what to do. It's not so bad -- I never got to spend time with Gina before she was presumably killed. It's been interesting to get to know her after all this time.
Gina got the clue figured out and she's got me from the Sundial Bridge. It was the halfway point between my location in Oregon and LA. Sorry for the delay in response. We're about to be on our way.
I think we might be followed, though, by someone looking for Ananda. I can't tell if he's just a guy or if there's something else going on with him. I'll let you know.
The man's across the street from Me. the same man, i swear. i don't know what he wants with me, but it could be anything. no time to Talk -- sarah and I agreed to do this if something like this happens. we have a Plan but i will need your help. Please find me -- I'm leaving right now to go where we planned. promise to explain Everything in more detail when i see you.
or you can call me if you have my number.
You guys... I need a second opinion. I've had a few false alarms the past few months, but what with Bree going renegade from The Order and Jonas on the run, too, my paranoia might be a little more legitimate.
I just got off of work for my lunch break and drove home. No one followed me, thank god, but while I was in the store there was someone dressed in all black just walking around. They were looking at some items in the store, but they weren't actually shopping for anything. I think he was watching me.
They stayed in the store for five minutes after I got in my car; probably longer, because I left after that. I didn't see anyone follow me home. I checked my car for any bugs or wires, and I couldn't find any. So maybe it was just a weird guy in a suit, though.
I can't help but stay on alert, though. Months of living alone leaves not much else to do (in what free time you let yourself have) other than think of an escape plan or two. I have one.
Otherwise, I go back to work in thirty minutes.
Sorry for the missing in action for a while -- I had my midterms this week, and soccer started again. And after what happened last weekend, I felt like I needed a break from the internet to gather myself.
My thoughts were all over the place. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should stay or go. Everyone's scattered. I miss them. And it's getting more and more difficult to pretend to be a girl who is normal, who is quiet... who isn't me.
There's no one here who quite understands my quirks. Computer geek who is also an athlete seems to really stump people in these parts. I'm sure the followed-by-an-evil-secret-society thing wouldn't get through their minds either.
Anyway, I'm almost positive I aced every single midterm. Keeping m fingers crossed that MIT is in my future, someday, eventually, and that this will help me in the long run.
I've tried to tell Jonas about Bree and Gina. I haven't heard back from him. I'm worried; he was running from the Order last we heard from him.
Bree's alive, and so is Gina. I still don't understand how either of these things can possibly be true, but they are.
I don't know what to do. Part of my wants to go find them, and help them. They have this Hymn of One girl, just like Jules, and they're trying to help her but from what I could hear on the phone it wasn't going so well.
But then again, I'm safe here. And I'm living a normal life. I have a shot at having what I wanted...
But this normal life is a lie.
I don't know what to do. I can help as much as I want from here and stay safe, which seems to be the better idea. But I'm still worried about everyone. Jonas is in danger, Bree and Gina are getting into trouble, and my sister and I haven't been in contact for weeks.
I can't just sit in my little apartment forever and go to work and school and hope that maybe soon I'll be able to achieve all my dreams with my own name, can I?
I don't believe it.
No, really. I don't. We.. we saw
her die. All of you did. I mean, we know what the Order does. They're all a bunch of murderers. How can she still be alive?
It has to be another Order trick. Be careful, you guys.
Sorry for the quiet the last few days.
I wasn't in much of a talking mood, so I figured I could spend the days filling out scholarship applications and putting some extra hours in at work.
Christmas was uneventful for me. I spent most of the day wondering what my family was doing. Sarah probably enjoyed herself somehow. My mom? Last I heard, her latest beau moved in with her, so I bet they had a festive time, if you know what I mean.
(Oh gosh, I'm starting to talk like my sister....)
& my dad? No clue. Don't care. And yet, I do.
How did you guys spend Christmas?
So... some of you might be wondering what's become of me since the stuff that happened on the boat.
After Jennie and I got Spencer to a hospital, I realized that after what happened the last few days meant that I could not go back home. I didn't know how safe I was anymore now that my dad knew that I knew who... what
he was, and that Sarah wasn't going to lie for my sake anymore. We met up with Sarah, and we decided that I was going to have to go away.
So we called mom, and Sarah made up this extravagent story for me. I was invited to attend this really prestigious boarding school for my senior year, and it would be just a wonderful opportunity for me, and help my chances of getting into a good college with scholarship. Tuition paid and everything. I made up some official appearing documents and got her to sign them while I stayed with Sarah for a few days.
Then, she took me to where I am now. I can't say where. I forged some more documents and hacked into the school systems in this city. I can't tell you what name I go by here. I'm living in an apartment on my own, but according to the school, I live with my very sick father.
Why am I telling everyone this?( the reasonCollapse )